“Gender Bender Meets French Twist”
A One Act Farce by Steve Tuffill
copyright © Steve Tuffill 2006-2012
No part of this work may be reproduced without permission from the author.
SETTING:
INTERIOR:
“DAVE’S BAKERY,” A BAKERY THAT DOES LUNCHES, IN SOLVANG, CALIFORNIA – DAY,
NOON. BOILING HOT – AT LEAST 100F
CHARACTERS:
RACHEL
WISE, is a waitress who has had a gender change six weeks ago and who is
enjoying a new life in a different environment. Before, she lived as a “he” in
Los Angeles, where even the next-door neighbors don’t even know each other. Now
she is settling into this lively little Danish community where everyone knows
everyone else. She is adjusting well to being a female and getting to know
heterosexual couples. She has just celebrated her 33rd birthday. The
gender change operation was about six weeks ago...
RUPERT SNELL, is an
entrepreneur, who likes to buy ideas but has very few that are really his own.
Amazingly, many of his business enterprises are a resounding success. He is
thirty-five years of age. His latest marriage has lasted seven years. They live
in a villa close to Solvang in Buellton, CA.
RUPERT’S WIFE, FIONA, is a
very sweet girl, with a heart of gold. It has always been a mystery how she
ended up with RUPERT. (They married pretty soon after her eighteenth birthday.)
She is about 5 foot eleven and has long shoulder length straight black hair and
gorgeous blue eyes, making a classic Celtic look. She has a kind of gamin
prettiness, a trim, slim body with long, beautiful tanned legs which she likes
to show off. She is twenty-four, but could be mistaken for a twenty-year-old
with those innocent–looking eyes.
CLAUS BORMAN, is unmarried
and a very tall, big built German, with a muscular tanned body. He has the
shape of a body-builder but follows the profession of accountant, something
that he has done since college. However, he is an unstable personality, having
had several failed suicide attempts with sleeping pills. Somehow, luckily, his
brother SVEN has always managed to be there to get his stomach pumped before it
is too late. CLAUS has a sallow liverish look about him, probably from the
atrocious way he has treated his body. CLAUS and SVEN are twins and therefore
have the same birthday and age – thirty-six. CLAUS talks American without a
trace of accent.
SVEN
BORMAN, brother of CLAUS, is married, but his wife, Glenda, tends to lead her
own life, going to poetry readings and art galleries. SVEN does not suspect any
infidelity, even though they hardly have five minutes for each other every day!
However unstable this sounds, SVEN has a very firm head on his shoulders which
is not soft. Many has been the time when he has had to confront personnel from
the emergency services at some ungodly hour in the early morning to deal with
something his brother has done. (SVEN sounds a lot like Artie Johnson – “Very
intressting – but schtoopid!”). The brothers live in L.A. in the same block as
RACHEL when she used to be a guy, Rob Katt. They knew him as the friendly bar
tender at their favorite bar, The Flamingo Coop, in Los Angeles.
SCENE
AT RISE:
The place is almost
deserted. Only one table has people sitting there. RUPERT and his wife are
there and are getting ready to order lunch. The speakers are playing seventies
music, like Seals & Croft, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, and balladeers
like Cat Stevens...
The
waitress, who is our main protagonist, RACHEL WISE, saunters over to their
table, order pad at the ready.
She approaches the table. We
see the main door open as more people come in for lunch.
RACHEL
(walking over...)
I’ll be
right over.
RACHEL
Welcome to Dave’s! What can
I get you to drink? Let me tell you about our great special today...
RUPERT
I’ll have a glass of water
with lemon. Then I’ll just have the usual bread roll and soup, OK?
RACHEL
And
for you ma’am?
FIONA
Diet
Coke, no ice. I’ll have a tuna melt, on a whole wheat bun...
RACHEL
OK –
that’s a water with lemon, diet coke, no ice, a bread roll with the soup, and a
tuna melt on whole wheat bun. (To RUPERT and FIONA) Coming right up.
I’ll bring your drinks right over...
RACHEL (walks over to new
customers)
Hi my name is RACHEL, and I
am your waitress today. Okay, now what can I get you folks to drink? We have a
great special today...
CLAUS
(cutting RACHEL short...) Can you get me a strong black coffee, please,
Americano style with the hot water, no cream no sweeteners, thanks. (looking
at the menu) I’ll have a French Roll salad. SVEN?
SVEN
I'm shorry; I am not
familiar mit zee menu. Do vyou haff zee Cherman beer?
RACHEL (rattling
off list...)
We have Schlitz, Bud, Bud
Light, Coors, Fosters, Heineken, Molson Golden, and Dortmunder Pils – I guess
you could call that the German one...
SVEN
OK, I’ll haff zee Pilss. Do
zhyou just haff a roast beef sandvich, straight up on zee Italian hearty veat
bread roll, please? I’ll haff zee full size mit plenty off Provolone cheese,
cilantro, lots off olives, salad, tomato, pepper shakes ant honey mustard.
(Rachel
walks away to place the order at the window...)
SVEN
(Turning to Claus, in a stage whisper)
(Turning to Claus, in a stage whisper)
Did you hear zee voice? Did
you see zee valk? If I am not mistaken, she calls herself RACHEL, but she iss
zee
reincarnation off Rob, from
zee “Flamingo Coop”! She looks just like him. Funny how he mysteriously
disappeared about a couple off months ago, back in late March! (His voice
goes up at the end of this speech...) I tell you, life gets craschzier
every seengle day!
CLAUS
Our
bartender, Rob, from down below, where we live, was a really fine barista, and
made extremely good coffee along with the great cocktails he served. (Mysteriously)
Liked the way he looked too! (Turning around 180 degrees...) Don’t
be ridiculous! You are crazy! She is a girl! How can a girl be a guy? How could
she have changed from one gender to another, just like that. Wait a minute, it
doesn’t seem possible, although she really does look like Rob... (Barely
believing that he is saying this...) Could Rob have had one of those
sex-change operations? (His eyes light up) best thing he could have
done... (Gazing over at the pastries) I could have a piece of that.
RACHEL
Giving the brothers their order)
Giving the brothers their order)
One
French Roll salad and a roast beef on Italian.
RUPERT
(to FIONA)
...I am getting another great
opportunity here that could win us plenty of business. I should have one of
them Pulitzer prizes for my business ideas... (briefly pausing for effect)
Get this picture. A small
town near here, out in the fields with the tree-huggers, a sleepy little village,
and in that village a 70’s music store with 70’s décor, even 70’s type people,
Hall and Oates playing, Seals and Crofts perhaps, a love-in...
FIONA (Cuts
him off...)
Suppose
people don’t like seventies music? Suppose all people want to do is fornicate
with each other? Suppose nobody likes your boring ideas any more?
RUPERT
I
couldn't care less. People always like my ideas. I’ve
suckered
a million people and still they come back for more. Why the hell do you care?
I’ve paid for your life, three times over... Hell, I even own this restaurant,
yet I don’t see the help
coming
over to my table to “sucker” up to me... They should kiss my feet for all the
benefits I worked into their contracts. I expect at least that from all of my
staff...
FIONA
You never worked any
benefits into my contract. So what's in store for us tomorrow then? Another
boring day at the races? Can’t we ever do anything I like to do?
RUPERT
Oh, I don't know yet. I'm
kind of “last-minute.” Ideas for things to do don't ever flow until an hour or
two after I get up and usually when someone suggests them to me. Gosh, Fiona, (accusingly)
you have never even tried to get used to that. I just wish one day we could
just roll out of bed, head out into the unknown and enjoy each other’s company
as if we had never even been to bed together!
FIONA
So what's the use in talking
to you, then? I don’t know why we are still together. I’m just your whipping
post!
RACHEL
One French Roll salad here
and a roast beef on Italian over here. Provolone, salad, tomato, cilantro,
olives, with the honey mustard... Anything else I can get you folks?
CLAUS
No thanks! Boy, am I hungry!
I could eat an elephant ---- among other things. (said with relish...)
FIONA
(returning from an extended interlude in the ladies restroom.)
(returning from an extended interlude in the ladies restroom.)
They have lavender soap in
the restroom. Here smell my hands! You know, some people’s bathrooms are better
than most peoples’ homes!
RUPERT
...Now
in this property, I really want to create a spa for everybody - somewhere
anyone can go, listen to seventies music,
get a massage, meet a girl
or a guy, eat a bang-up meal in a bang-up eating-house. I want to create a
place where people can show love to each other again...
FIONA
Supposing
we don’t want seventies music? Suppose we don’t really want to show our love,
and all we want to do is bang each other? Isn’t that all people ever want out
of a relationship?
RUPERT (Ignoring FIONA again...) ...I really don't
know that the youngsters today can write any kind of real music anymore. All
they do are covers, covers and more covers. I will see that the record industry
creates something brand new for people to enjoy. Today, I am going to the bank
about that new record company I want you to run for me...
CLAUS
(Yelling) Are you telling me that this
waitress, who calls herself Rachel, used to be our Rob, from the “Flamingo
Coop”? I want to find out more about this. (Mysteriously) I really don’t
know what to think anymore. I don’t know what I feel about Rob or Rachel. (Defiantly)
We should see if he wants out of the closet! I always wondered where
he went...
SVEN
Vot did ROBERT effer do to
syou? Vy are you so intent on makink trouble verever ve go? You know eet’s not
necessary to be aggressive to be a man. Compassion ant basic hooman kintness
are two schtrong attributes zat make a man eeffen stronker schtill...
CLAUS
You
know, we may be brothers from the old country, (pensively) but sometimes
I wonder about whether you are a man or not. You are always ducking out of any
confrontation. (Conclusively) D’you remember how it was at school? You
were always the first out in the school yard and you loved a good game of ball!
So, let’s “ball” out Rob! OK?!!!
SVEN
Hey, hey, hey! Schtop it
man! Schtop now! Zis iss gettink to be a ridiculous argument about nussink.
Since school ve haff both done different things. And zee only thing szyou need
to do is to get out off yourself, ant live a life for a change. You need to
take a chill-pill... Let yourself go... Decite vot your preffrences are, and,
voila! You vill be a new person, just dyink to get out...
CLAUS
What is
it to you? Your boring life has never taken you anywhere anyway. You should
wake up to what is going on around you. I’m fully awake. Go on Sven, wake up
and smell the coffee...
SVEN (defiantly)
Eet’s all zee same as eet
ees to zyou...! I smell molten tar, not coffee. And zyou are not olt enuff to
rememper the disgusting “Ersatz Kaffee” we used to haff in zee olt country.
Look, instead of sinkink about rattlink peoples’ cages, vy not sink about all
zee really great moments in your life. Zhen, sink about zis: today is ze first
day off zee rest off your life! And, I’m sorry! You only get vun life,
votteffer that Chames Bond character sinks.
CLAUS
Oh all right then! So what
do you want me to do? It better not be anything embarrassing or
confrontational...
RACHEL
Is
everything all right, guys?
SVEN
Don’t
ve know you?
RACHEL
I don’t
know what you are talking about!
SVEN
Vell, eeff szyou ask me, I
sink syyou look just like our bartender from zee “Flamingo Coop” in LA, ----
ROBERT. (Pausing) I am so shuure about zis, I sink I am goink crazee. Vy
do you look like a voman now?
RACHEL
(really rattled now, hesitation in her voice...)
(really rattled now, hesitation in her voice...)
I really don’t know what you
are talking about! My name is Rachel. Always has been – always will be. Is
there something wrong with your meal?
SVEN
No –
but zere seems to be somesink wronk mit you...
RACHEL
I still
don’t know what you are talking about! Look I can void the charges for the
sandwich. Can I get you another drink? How
about
another Dortmunder Pils? Here, let me fill that glass of water for you... (Claus
pushes her away and grabs her by the hand)
SVEN
OK, get
me anuzzer Pilss.
CLAUS
And you
are gorgeous... I always wanted to hold your hand.
RACHEL
(really terrified now, her voice faltering considerably...)
(really terrified now, her voice faltering considerably...)
I really don’t know what you
are talking about! My name is Rachel. Always has been – always will be. I’ll
call Security... Oh all right then... I can’t resist this moment since it’s
been so long coming...
CLAUS
Just let yourself go... I’ve
been coming here for a few weeks now and I wanted to get to know you...
RACHEL
I thought it was you. But I
just wanted to live my new life. I hadn’t made up my mind as to whether I
wanted to come out of the closet. But people are people and I liked it when you
came to my bar, Claus. Even that crazy brother of yours has some class! (I said
“class” not “Claus!”) Of course you know me – I’m Rob, your
bartender from down below in Los Angeles... I’m now a girl (shamelessly) –
what do you think?
SVEN
Vere’s
my beer? OH MINE GOTT!!!!!!!!!
CLAUS
OH!
Whoaadamydoing? I do want a piece of that...What do you call yourself? Rachel
is it? Come here...! (Grabbing her more strongly so that she drops the water
jug, which spills its contents right down Claus’s shirt, adding to the
sensation he is feeling.) (Claus throws caution to the winds...) Let’s make
out here on the table...
RUPERT
(from across the room...) ...and I would like a nice bakery in the
restaurant too, something with a juice bar, where they have vitamin and
supplement additives in the blended drinks...
RUPERT (standing
straight up)
WHAT
THE HELL???
SVEN
CLAUS,
CAN SZYOU HEAR ME? SCHTOP THAT RIGHT AVAY! EET’S INDEECENT! I never sought
you’d turn out like zis... I alvays tried. Do szyou schtill vant to be mit mee?
(Sensing
disinterest) Oh, OK then. I’ll not get in
your vay, but I don’t vant to know szyou any more!
CLAUS (continuing)
RACHEL, you are so gorgeous,
darling... I am so overjoyed I found you here! Let me get close to you. I’ll
move in with you. Where do you live?
RACHEL
(more excited now, no more hesitation in her voice...)
(more excited now, no more hesitation in her voice...)
I
really don’t have a place to live. I have a room in a house with three other
girls and there’s nowhere for you. Don’t you have a place, or are you still
shacking up with your brother?
CLAUS
You
got it...
RACHEL
We can work this out. I
don’t believe how much I want to be with you, only you!
RUPERT
Hey,
do you guys know each other?
SVEN
Well
yes, but not the vay szyou are sinkink!
RUPERT
Can’t you hold that in until
after you have clocked out, RACHEL? You never mentioned a boyfriend.
RACHEL
I used
to know him when I was a guy! (Triumphantly)
And now I can enjoy him as a
woman enjoys a guy! We are an item! Yes, darling, yes! (Even more
triumphantly.)
RUPERT
I don't know what to say to
this. My employees are screwing up again. FIONA! (He bellows) We are
leaving right now! Get your things!
FIONA
What’s
your problem then? RACHEL needs support and sympathy. She is now a beautiful
woman, so she must be treated like a lady...!
RUPERT
(Whimpering...)
I don't know about that.
Girl or boy, used to be girl, or used to be man, they shouldn’t be making out
right here in the restaurant. Oh my God! Does she use the guys’ or the gals’
restroom? It’s all so unhygienic!
RUPERT
If you are not in the car in
one minute, consider our divorce to be the next thing on the agenda!
FIONA
So why should I care or even
listen to you again, RUPERT, then? What have you really done for me ever?
RUPERT
Before you knew me, you were
bagging groceries in Ralph’s! I discovered you! I don't know how you will
survive without my money. You have nothing without me...
FIONA
I don’t give a fuck about
your money, your wealth, and all of your crazy ideas.
RUPERT
Shitty business...! (Muttering
to himself.)I suppose I could look up Pam, she always wanted me for me,
and she’s only an hour away. Let’s see, I could end this marriage very quickly
here in California...
FIONA
Hey guys, I want you to know
that I am on your side and want to help you. I, myself, know what a bad
relationship can do to a person’s spirit! And you have truly liberated your
soul. So be yourself.
RACHEL
Thanks
FIONA! I always knew that you would be the real friend when I met you and
RUPERT. I can’t figure out why, but I knew that RUPERT would be such a flake
when the chips came down.
FIONA
So
what are you guys doing now?
RACHEL
I don't know yet. I'm kind
of a last-minute person. I want to enjoy life with CLAUS for a few weeks first
but the big problem is that we have to find somewhere to live...
FIONA
Why not here? I could put
you both up. I have a long, long lease on an apartment that that RUPERT has
forgotten about. He gave it to me as an engagement gift ten years ago
SVEN
CLAUS – find szyour own vay
home! I am sure szyou understantt that I vill not be zsere ven you finally get
home eeff you effer do. I vill talk to szyou through my attorney. Goodbye! Eet
ees sad zat our relationship asss brothers should ent zis vay! And don’t effer
call me again!
CLAUS
Oh God, what have I done?
RACHEL, help me, I don’t know what I have done...! My brother...! I always
relied on him for everything. What will I do now?
RACHEL
You
don’t need to worry. You and I have everything we could ever need together.
This is how it is: I need you and you need me. That is all that matters.
Nothing else does. Least of all your brother and all of his uptight little
circle. That’s in the past. Now you can be the Claus I have always known and
loved and there is nothing left to get in the way! Don’t worry! He’ll forget
quick enough. Besides, once you get to know the real me, you won’t have time
for thoughts about him any more (blowing him a steamy kiss...)
FIONA
I know
you guys will want to enjoy time together as soon as you are able to. So here’s
my cell number. Call me when you’re ready and I’ll come and pick you up and
take you to the villa. It’s about a mile over that direction towards the beach.
I know we are all going to like it. You guys will have plenty of room – in fact
the guest room is all ready for you and we have plenty of food and a whole
cellar full of wine. Rupert was crazy about Red Zinfandel. We have just
about every variety of California wine here. Sandra Oh would have been real
jealous...!
RACHEL
Thanks
so much! We’ll contact you as soon as I’ve clocked out!
CLAUS
Thanks so much, FIONA! I
don’t know we could have done this without your help and encouragement.
FIONA
No
problem! Anyone would have done that for anyone! Let’s drink to a great new
friendship! (She raises the bottle she is holding in her hand, which happens
to be Sven’s abandoned Dortmunder Pils, and takes a great swig from it, sighing
afterwards with gusto!)
[Jukebox plays “If You Can’t
Be With The One You Love, Love The One You’re With” by Stephen Stills]
CURTAIN
- END
© Steve Tuffill 2006-2012
No comments:
Post a Comment